Redneck Wedding
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Redneck Wedding
Posted by admin on September 26th, 2008Oklahoma Rancher
Posted by admin on September 22nd, 2008A Department of Water Resources representative stops at an Oklahoma ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.
The old rancher says, ‘Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.
The Water representative says, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?’
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher’s bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, So the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..’Your card! Show him Your card!’
Baptist Cowboy
Posted by admin on August 29th, 2008A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, ‘You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.’
The cowboy replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.’
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.’
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
‘Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,’ he explains, ‘It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.’
‘Hasn’t affected my brothers, though.’
Gotta love the South!
Posted by admin on August 22nd, 2008Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, ‘You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?’
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, ‘Everything but my earrings.’
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. ‘Where’s Henry?’ the others asked.
‘Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,’ the successful hunter replied.
‘You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?’ they inquired.
‘A tough call,’ nodded the hunter. ‘But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!’
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, ‘Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head’. ‘Yep’, he replied. ‘That’s why I dumpin it here, cause it says ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying… ‘When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.’ When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole y our pickup truck from the parking lot!’
Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’
The young man answered, ‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’
Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, ‘Got any I.D.?’
The driver replied, ‘Bout whut?’
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was..
The man replied, ‘I have a flat tire.’
The passerby asked, ‘But what’s with the flowers?’
The man responded, ‘When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don’t make no sense to me neither.’
South Carolina
‘You can say what you want about the South, but I ain’t never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North
Hillbilly Birth
Posted by admin on August 22nd, 2008Hillbilly Birth
Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!”
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there”, said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there’s another one coming.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby “No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . .
“You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?”
Bubba and the Shrink
Posted by admin on August 22nd, 2008‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’
‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’
‘How much do you charge?’
Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.
I’ll sleep on it,’ said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. ‘Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?’ asked the psychiatrist.
‘Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!
‘Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’
He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain’t nobody under there now !!!’
Hillbilly Vasectomy
Posted by admin on May 19th, 2008THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. “A less costly alternative,” said the doctor, “is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”
The Alabama man said to the doctor, “I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”
“Trust me,” said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
“1″
“2″
“3″
“4″
“5″
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia.
Mullets….those lovely shaggy mullets!
Posted by admin on April 29th, 2008“Our Life”
Mullets are apart of our life,
ever since the day we became husband and wife.
Mullets are apart of our family tree,
and they will go down in history.
On my head, and the head of my son,
grow mullet grow, you lucky little one!
“MULLETS ARE US..”
WE LOVE MULLETS, THEY MAKE US SMILE,
TO SEE A MULLET, WE’D WALK A MILE,
THE WORKDAY GOES FASTER AND IS HAPPIER BY FAR,
WHEN WE TALK ABOUT MULLETS WE’VE SEEN FROM OUR CAR.
WE SEE THEM IN THE MALL, WALKING SIDE BY SIDE,
IN ALL LENGTHS AND SIZES, FROM NARROW TO WIDE.
WE SEE THEM IN BARS, ATTRACTING THE BABES,
WE SEE THEM IN TRUCKS, WORKING IN THE TRADES.
MULLETS ARE GLORIOUS WHEN THEY BLOW IN THE BREEZE,
WOULDN’T A MULLET LOOK GREAT ON GUY ON A TRAPEZE!
MULLETS ARE FUN, AND WE ALL KNOW IT TOO,
IF SADDAM HAD A MULLET, WORLD PEACE WOULD ENSUE..
SO MULLETS ARE US, WE TRULY EXCLAIM,
FOR WE LOVE THE HAIRCUT WITH THE FUNNY NAME!
“Mullet Anthem”
Does your hair hang low?
Does it waggle to and fro?
Can you tie it in a knot ?
Can you tie it in a bow?
Can you throw it over your shoulder
Like an eighties rock soldier?
Does your hair hang low?
“Mullet Desires”
Yesterday I went to the mall,
I saw the coolest mullet of all.
I thought having a mullet would be a disaster,
But this guy was like a mullet master.
With short hair and then long,
Not loving a mullet would be wrong.
Mullets are so 1980s,
But a mullet gets all the ladies.
The way his mullet blew in the air,
Oh how i love that greasy 80s hair.
That guy’s hair was black as ash,
If I get a mullet will i look like Trailer Trash!
Mullets were invented two decades ago,
I’m still debating weather or not a mullet i should grow.
Mullets are so great,
My dad had one in 1988.
I want to have a mullet that I can braid,
The hair style of mullets will never fade.
“Mullets for Life”
Mullets for life,
I wanna be a mullet wife.
If I marry a mullet man,
I would have 1000 kids and drive a van!
Each one of the tikes would have a mullet of their own,
I ‘d live in a trailer, I dunno if I’d have a mullet-phone.
Our dogs would have a mullet, and our alligator too,
I’d give a mullet to our whole redneck crew!
I ‘d show everyone my mullet, even people over seas,
They’d look at my mullet, but if they got closer they would see my fleas!
“The Mullet Band”
Here comes the Mullet Band.
They are walking hand in hand.
The Trailor Trash comes down the street,
Waving hands and stomping feet.
Hear them yell and hear them scream,
“My hair ain’t be the least bit clean”.
But they don’t care so they say,
“I eat clean trash everyday”.
Here comes the Mullet Band,
Banging on their pot and pans.
This hillbilly moment can’t be beat,
For rednecks love to stomp their feet.
“Mullet Master of Disaster”
Im the Mullet Master,
The master of disaster.
With a mullet I’ll be able to run faster,
Or be a professional news caster.
Mullets are cool,
Especially in school.
If I had one,
I would go in the pool.
If you don’t like a mullet,
you’re a fool.
I would definitely lose to a guy with a mullet in a duel.
“Mullets Make Peace”
I once had a mullet,
I t was long and fair.
I combed it and brushed it,
and scrubbed it with care.
It sat on my head like a Joe Dirt crown,
If George had a mullet he would never frown.
 
 
Hillbilly Words of Wisdom
Posted by admin on April 29th, 2008Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
Mortgaging a future crop is saddling a wobbly colt.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won’t stay milked.
Don’t skinny dip with snapping turtles.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Meanness don’t happen overnight.
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain’t helpful.
Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don’t sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don’t eat.
Don’t corner something meaner than you.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.
Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don’t go huntin’ with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
You can’t unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
Lazy and Quarrelsome are ugly sisters.
Things you wouldn’t hear a Hillbilly say…
Posted by admin on April 29th, 2008Things you wouldn’t hear a Hillbilly say…
Things you wouldn’t hear a Hillbilly say…
*We don’t keep firearms in this house.
*You can’t feed that to the dog.
*No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.
*Wrasalin’s fake.
*We’re vegetarians.
*Do you think my hair is too big?
*Who’s Richard Petty?
*Deer heads detract from the decor.
*Spitting is such a nasty habit.
*I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
*Trim the fat off that steak.
*The tires on that truck are too big.
*I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
*Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
*She’s too old to be wearing that bikini.
*Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
*Elvis who?
*Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?
